As a therapist, I often thought I was a really badass communicators. It wasn’t until I started a path towards couples counseling, through formal training in the Gottman Method, that I realized how much I sucked at communicating!
Now, most people that had worked for me in the past would say I was one of the best communicators they had as a boss. After reflecting on myself a bit, I realized it was pretty sad that my slightly-better-than-average communication skills were the best they had ever had.
I never thought that training in couples counseling would apply to so many arenas of my life, but I find the Gottman approach to relationships to be SPOT ON! If you haven’t, check out the book The Relationship Cure by Dr. John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. It is about any kind of relationship that we have, not just the romantic ones.
If you want to be a leader….
You have to be a badass communicator. Everything starts there.
Badass Communicator Goals: Increase productivity and joy in the workplace AND decrease conflict, drama, and low performance. Here is how:
- Listen to the point the person is making to gain full comprehension and understanding
- Prove to them that you do understand by paraphrasing it back to them (Reflective listening skills)
- Explain your point of view, and make sure they heard you to the point of full comprehension and understanding. Ask them to paraphrase it back to you.
- Make a plan/compromise to move forward to achieve mutually agreeable goals.
- Compromise can be challenging. Differentiate between your absolute core “Needs” versus everything on your “Want” list.
One of the biggest mistakes I see leaders make
They don’t really listen and understand the pain points of the people who work for them. Quite honestly, they feel like there are bigger fish to fry. However, when we do not address issues they tend to become perpetual issues. Instead of hitting the repeat button on a regular basis, go ahead and work towards addressing the issue all the way through.
No need to overly complicate this. Next time you are face to face with an employee, slow down the process and make sure you are really understanding them. Give them a heads up, because otherwise you will weird them out. Tell them, “Hey, I am trying this new thing…I really want to make sure you and I understand each other.” Communication takes practice, and it takes patience. YOU are the leader, so lead them towards the new way you want to communicate.